Flexible Identity: Why Should We Learn to Change Without Losing Who We Are?

Throughout life, many things that once seemed stable can change. Children leave home, a career comes to an end or takes a different direction, a relationship ends, our bodies change, retirement arrives, or we find ourselves starting over in another country.

Some of these changes are welcome; others are not. Yet all of them can lead us to a question that goes beyond the situation itself: Who am I now that an important part of my life has changed?

Our identity is shaped by the relationships, roles, aspirations, and experiences we accumulate over time. It is precisely at the intersection of what remains and what needs to change that we can begin to explore the concept of flexible identity.

What Is Flexible Identity?

Having a flexible identity doesn’t mean changing our personality with every new circumstance or leaving behind everything that makes us who we are. It means being able to maintain a sense of continuity while embracing new experiences and acknowledging that change is part of life.

In psychogerontology, the researcher Graciela Zarebski explores flexible identity as a resource that helps us navigate changes and transformations in our roles, relationships, routines, and ways of living.

This concept is also closely related to psychological flexibility: the ability to recognize changing demands, adapt our behaviour when necessary, and remain connected to the values that matter to us.

In other words, changing doesn’t mean ceasing to be ourselves. We can honour our personal history and remain true to our values while recognising that our ways of living and understanding ourselves can also evolve.

When Change Affects Who We Believe We Are

Let’s take a moment to consider how we would answer the question: “Who am I?”

Perhaps answers such as “I’m a lawyer,” “I’m a mother,” “I’m a wife,” “I’m independent,” or “I’m the person who takes care of my family” come to mind. These roles may be important parts of who we are, but none of them can fully capture the complexity of a person.

This becomes particularly evident during major life transitions. When we retire after decades devoted to a career, when our children leave home, or when a marriage ends, it isn’t just our daily routine that changes.

In some cases, an important reference point for our identity changes as well.

Behind the question “What am I going to do now?” there may be another, deeper question: “Who am I without something that helped define me for so many years?”

This is why adapting to change doesn’t happen simply because we decide to “move on.” Some transitions require us to acknowledge losses, reconsider expectations, and discover new possibilities for how we want to live.

A more flexible identity allows us to embrace new interests, relationships, projects, and roles without having to erase everything that came before.

Flexible Identity and Ageing

When we think about ageing, we often focus on the transformations that occur in later life. But the reality is that ageing is a process that unfolds throughout our lives.

In Zarebski’s theoretical framework, flexible identity occupies a central place among the psychological factors associated with ageing. It can support our ability to adapt and reorganise our lives in response to the transformations we experience along the way.

This doesn’t mean there is a “right” way to age. Rather, it invites us to recognise that how we respond to change is also part of how we shape our life story.

How Can We Develop a More Flexible Relationship With Who We Are?

Developing a flexible identity doesn’t mean adapting quickly to everything. Some changes take time, and certain losses need to be acknowledged and worked through.

Self-awareness can help us navigate this process. The following questions may open up space for reflection:

• Which roles play the biggest part in how we define ourselves?

• Who are we beyond our profession, relationships, or family roles?

• What remains an essential part of who we are, even when our circumstances change?

• Are there past versions of ourselves that we still feel we need to hold on to?

• Do we allow ourselves to explore new interests, relationships, and projects?

  
  

Perhaps getting to know ourselves isn’t only about discovering one definitive version of who we are, but also about recognising when we have changed.

Throughout life, some roles come to an end, others evolve, and new ones may emerge. A flexible identity allows us to integrate these changes into our personal story, preserving what continues to feel meaningful while making room for who we may yet become.

If you are going through a period of change and feel that you no longer recognise yourself in quite the same way, psychotherapy can offer a space to explore what is changing, reconnect with the parts of yourself that remain, and discover new possibilities for this stage of your life.